Why You Love the Unlovable | WOC Therapy

Why You Love the Unlovable

Relationships

Channing Moore
30 NOV, 2019

Do you find yourself stuck in unfulfilling relationships? Maybe you stay with people who take more and give less? Maybe your partner is distant, emotionally unavailable, self absorbed, or manipulative? If that’s the case, you’re not alone! According to a survey done by The Daily Mail on 2,031 British Adults, 6 in 10 people will stay in relationships they find to be unsatisfying. While disappointing partnerships are inevitable, it’s important for us to understand why exactly we put up with them. Here are five theories as to why we continue to love the unlovable and what steps you might take to break the cycle.

1. Comfortability/Laziness
When in a relationship, you naturally begin to intertwine your life with that of your partners. Suddenly your day to day, friend circles, nighttime routine, etc. all include them in some fashion. Breaking up requires that you disentangle your lives completely, which can be physically and emotionally exhausting. Remaining stuck in the comfort of routines and familiarity may feel easier than potentially uprooting your life. In cognitive psychology, this is known as loss aversion, which refers to people’s tendency to prefer avoiding losses to acquiring equivalent or bigger gains.

2. Poor Self Esteem
When you have poor self esteem, you’re more likely to construct narratives that support the idea of remaining in a toxic relationship. Instead of holding your partner accountable, maybe you begin to believe their behavior is a consequence of your own. Maybe you give life to the idea that you can’t and won’t do any better than your current situation. Here you can find sunflower maids Overland Park. Though these thoughts are baseless, your lack of self confidence will have you believe they are true, resulting in you substantiating remaining in your relationship.

3. Denial
Admitting someone you love is no longer good for you can be difficult. A loss of quality doesn’t equate to a loss of love. In order to avoid confronting what you know to be true, you might enter into a state of denial. In doing so, you may attach varying ideas to the act in order to justify it (‘things will get better.’ ‘they’ll change!’), but the truth has a way of catching up to you, no matter how far or fast you run.

4.  Fear
The beauty of relationships is the act of growing together and forming a foundation, but when it crumbles, what are you left with? That’s a question some are terrified to answer and who can blame them. As thrilling as starting over can be, it’s also terrifying. The unknown is vast and filled with endless possibilities, both good and bad. The challenges you have yet to encounter versus the ones you are familiar with, can sound more extreme and may lead you to remain in a situation you know you can handle. Why bother with new disappointments when you’re already accustomed to your current ones?

5. Obligation
As your affections in a relationship grow,  your sense of obligation does as well. It’s natural to take your partner’s feelings into consideration, but it should never be at the expense of your own. Too often do we find ourselves repressing our emotions in order to spare someone else’s feelings. You may possess the awareness that your relationship is no longer beneficial to you, but you stay in order to avoid hard feelings.

Now that there is an understanding as to why you may love the unlovable, the next question is- how do you break the cycle? How you move forward in a relationship is dependent on whether you want to as well as if it’s healthy and ultimately in your best interest.

If you find that your relationship is harmful to you, reach out to your support system. As much as you can logically conclude that something/someone is bad for you therefore you should leave them, following through can feel strenuous or debilitating – especially for women in abusive relationships. Toxicity thrives in isolation so telling your friends/family/etc. about your situation and how you’re feeling can be a major first step. Leaving a detrimental situation isn’t always easy and sometimes you may need your loved ones to encourage and guide you.

If you determine your partnership is one worth saving, consider partaking in a ‘Relationship Tune Up’ every quarter. Sit down with your partner and ask yourselves and each other, “Is there something that I need that I’m not getting from this relationship?” “If I were getting it, what would it look like?” Allow yourself the chance to be courageous in speaking to possible gaps and incompatibilities in your relationship. If a face-to-face sit down seems too daunting, consider exploring these questions first through journaling and visit move-central.com. Chronicling your thoughts will allow you to come to your own conclusions, which will only make correspondence with your partner less nerve-racking.

Loving the unlovable can take on a toll on your well being but it is up to you to have the self respect and discipline it takes to do what is best for you, even in the face of extreme challenges. A lack of self respect will cause you to endure more suffering than necessary; a lack of discipline will result in you becoming complacent with your situation. Rome was not built in a day, so take the steps necessary in order to get yourself to place in which you can prioritize your well being. After you do everything will fall into place.

 

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